


After Party

by sburbanite



Series: Afterlives of the Rich and Famous [1]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Embarrassment, F/F, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, POV Karkat Vantas, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pale-Red Vacillation, Party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-10-06
Packaged: 2018-04-23 17:17:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4885147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sburbanite/pseuds/sburbanite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>===> Karkat: Wake</p><p>It isn't easy being dead. The afterlife is bad enough without all of your friends watching alpha-you sucking face with your best-bro, especially when he's in the same room. </p><p>In the same universe as Musical Quadrants, but it isn't required reading.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Corpse Party

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure quite where I'm going with this in the long run, but the short term should hopefully be entertaining!

===> Karkat: Wake 

The movie is murmuring gently in the background when I open my eyes, the light from the screen reflected in Strider’s dumb shades. It’s so fucking dark in here there’s no way he can see anything through them, so of course he’s wearing them to watch a movie. What did I do to deserve such a pretentious douche for a best friend? My legs are across his lap, feet resting on the arm of the couch, and I must have shifted slightly when I woke, because he stops watching and looks my way instead. 

“Hey, Karkat, you’re finally awake. I was starting to get worried you’d gone into a Matt McConaughey-induced boredom-coma or something.” 

My think-pan aches like a fucker for some reason, even worse than when I tried some of Rose’s human soporific. I can’t seem to get my mind in gear, and Dave’s expectant expression isn’t helping. What the fuck is he waiting for? 

“IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOUR HUMAN MOVIES ARE SO GODDAMN BORING, DAVE. YOU CAN’T EXPECT ME TO STAY AWAKE WHEN ALL THESE INDESICIVE, VACUOUS MORONS HAVE TO DO IS SORT OUT ONE SIMPLE FLUSHED RELATIONSHIP. ALL THIS WILL-THEY-WON’T-THEY BULLSHIT IS SO SIMPLISTIC IT BARELY EVEN QUALIFIES AS CINEMA.” 

Whatever Dave was hoping for, human movie criticism clearly wasn’t it. He frowns slightly, turning his attention back to the screen. Shit, he looks uncomfortable; I hope this isn’t one of the few rom-coms Dave secretly really likes. I can’t even vaguely remember the plot, so there’s an outside chance it could actually be decent. Dave interrupts my attempts to remember which movie this is, scratching his head awkwardly as he does so. 

“So…do you remember anything from before you woke up?” 

I give him a WTF look. Since when does Dave ask about my dreams? 

He shrugs in reply, “I mean, you were squirming around like a literal wiggler, dude. I had to protect my delicates from your flailing stand-flaps.” 

I guess I do remember having a nightmare of some kind, something to do with Gamzee flipping his shit again and laying into Terezi? The pain in my head is making it difficult to think, and I don’t really want to discuss my relationship with either troll right now. I’m sure Dave would have a field-day if he thought I’d been having dreams about them and their fucked up caliginous relationship. Suddenly I remember running, and then pain, sharp agonising pain in my chest. The feeling is so real, I feel like I might throw up. 

“UH, I GUESS I HAD A NIGHTMARE. I DON’T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED, BUT IT WAS DISTURBING AS SHIT. MY SUBCONSCIOUS APPARENTLY NEVER GETS TIRED OF FUCKING ME OVER IN EVER MORE IMAGINATIVE WAYS.” 

Dave nods, and then sighs deeply. 

“I’m sorry, I suck at all of this being subtle stuff. I’m not supposed to I guess, but I can help you remember if you want. What’s the worst that can happen? By definition, pretty much diddly-squat.” 

Unusually cryptic for Strider, but when he puts a finger behind his ear and lifts his shades, I understand. Instead of finally finding out what he’s hiding behind those things, I’m greeted by a pair of white, blank eyes. Fuck. 

He’s dead. 

“SHIT, STRIDER! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? ARE YOU THE DAVE FROM MY TIMELINE, OR ONE OF THE DOOMED GUYS?” 

The second question is pure hope on my part. I can feel in the pit of my stomach that this is my Dave, the one who’s spent an embarrassing amount of time with me stacking cans and doodling dick-shaped chalk avenues in the heart of the meteor. My best bro. 

“I’m the real deal, buddy. Or I used to be. Sorry.” 

“FUCK. AM I DREAMING, THEN?” 

Dave shakes his head slightly and motions at my chest, where my hideous mutant blood is soaking into my shirt. Two holes, two bright points of pain. As I curl into a ball, remembering the heat and fire and Gamzee’s bloodstained snarl, he puts a gentle hand on my shoulder. Slowly, I uncurl, watching my shirt fade back to its usual black and grey. 

“It’s OK, man.” He says, quiet and serious for once. 

“I mean, not OK for us specifically but for the universe in general. Turns out we weren’t the alpha guys after all. Apparently John got his windy-zappy-powers under control, and whack-a-moled all over the timeline sorting out all the bad shit that happened to us. Seems all Egbert needed to learn how to be a fucking time lord was to see all of his best friends get murdered.” 

He smiles, wanly. 

“The biggest joke of all is who he had to bring back to life to make it all go to plan. I guess it’s no surprise that John’s god-powers are basically cosmic-scale pranks.” 

Dave’s raised eyebrow tells me all I need to know. 

“YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. OUR TIMELINE DIED OF A TERMINAL SPIDERBITCH DEFICIENCY?” 

“Got it in one, bro,” He replies, grinning now. 

Well, damn. The revelation of my own death hits me like a sharp kick in the shame globes. I had no idea it was possible to feel like more of a failure, and the fact that Vriska was apparently able to fix everything doesn’t exactly help. Obviously even Vriska, who maims and murders people on a fucking whim, is a better leader than I am. I must have seriously fucked up if something managed to kill Dave. He was probably the strongest one of us. I have to know who else I let down, who else’s death sits on my stupid, useless shoulders. 

“WHO ELSE…DIDN’T MAKE IT?” 

He sighs, not meeting my gaze, “We all bit the dust, one way or another. Our John used his secret trap-door to the alpha-verse, and took my mom with him. She was the only other person to survive the whirling maelstrom of “Fuck You” that engulfed our entire universe, apparently. Everyone else was toast, including both of us.” 

As if all of this wasn’t confusing enough, now Dave is rambling about his stupid woman-lusus. 

“STRIDER, WHAT DOES YOUR HUMAN “MOM” HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING, I THOUGHT YOU ONLY HAD THE ASSHOLE BRO-LUSUS? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, HERE. I JUST FIND OUT I’M DEAD AND YOU’VE ALREADY STARTED THROWING BULLSHIT MY WAY LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW. WHICH FOR US, I GUESS THERE LITERALLY ISN’T.” 

Dave’s face cracks into a smile as he takes off his shades, folding them carefully and stowing them in his pocket. I guess there’s no point in hiding his eyes anymore. I’m struck by the dusting of tiny brown spots on his nose, which highlight how different he looks without them. Freckles, I think they’re called? At least that’s the word he used for the ones on his arms. 

“Don’t worry about it, Karkat. I meant my ancestor, Roxy. You know, like those twelve asshats from the session before yours, Carlos and company? When we scratched our session, our ancestors got to be the ones to whizz around like idiots in their god-pyjamas instead of us. In our case, though, they were genetically our parents because of some pointlessly convoluted bullshit involving Egbert and a bunch of slime.” 

Well…I guess that explains everything as far as I actually want to know. What the fuck do I do now? The one thing I never considered in a life spent worrying and torturing myself hiding from certain, painful death, is what to do afterward. After the worst has happened, what is there to worry about anymore? Death feels different. Not worse or better, just different. 

I nearly jump out of my worthless skin when Dave slaps his hand down on my leg, letting me know he wants to get up. 

“C’mon, man. We’ve all been waiting around for you for hours, I know you like to make an entrance like the drama queen you are, but John’s been bitching about how long you’ve been leaving us hanging for the entire duration of Con Air.” 

I flip him off with both hands, releasing him from beneath my legs and following as he gets up to leave. I’ve had enough striderbabble explanations for now, so I’m just going to let him show me what the hell he’s talking about. 

Dave heads to the door that leads to the meteor kitchen, but when he pushes it open I’m not greeted by two-day old bowls of ramen and stacks of clean coffee mugs. Instead, the light from the other side is so bright it nearly blinds me. 

“SHIT!” I yell, “I CAN’T SEE A FUCKING THING!” 

“Dammit, I’m such an idiot. Sorry, dude,” Dave mumbles, handing me his stupid hipster shades. “I meant to give you these earlier, Kanaya warned me you guys were all nocturnal. John’s house is decorated entirely in shades of white and ugly-ass harlequin so it’s like a neon rave-party for trolls. You get used to it eventually but all the guys who aren’t already blind have been swearing up a storm at how bright it is in here.” 

Goddammit, I never thought I’d be happy to put these stupid things on my face. They do help with my vision, though, and I get just enough time to take in a white room filled with people before a blur of blue and glasses hits me square in the chest. After a graceful and elegant ass-backwards fall, I’m left staring up into John’s grinning face. 

“Karkat!! It’s so good to see you! It’s been sooooo long from my perspective, I’ve been waiting around by myself in this boring afterlife for what feels like forever!” 

“IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO, EGDERP, BUT IT’D BE A LOT BETTER FROM A PERSPECTIVE OF NOT HAVING YOU SITTING ON MY FUCKING CROTCH. CAN YOU GET OFF ME, PLEASE.” 

He turns bright red at that comment, and I remember that John has ludicrous hang-ups about physical contact with males due to not being a “homosexual”. Whatever that means. I know it must be something embarrassing because he jumps off me like I’m on fire. 

“Sorry! I just got a little carried away, that’s all. We thought you were never going to get here, and we didn’t want to start until you did! Here, let me help you up off the floor.” 

I take his disgustingly sweaty hand, and allow him to pull me up. Looking over his shoulder, I can see Kanaya curled up on the sofa, with Vriska and Terezi next to her. Fuck, Vriska looks like a punk band threw up on her, but she does actually look happy for once. Nepeta is waving energetically at me from a beanbag chair, nestled in Equius’ perspiration-soaked lap. Over by the large TV, Sollux and Feferi are knelt down next to a husktop, apparently absorbed in something technical. Sollux gives me a friendly middle-finger when he sees me looking over, which is immediately slapped away by Feferi. We share a mutual grin, even though I can see his eyes are black and empty. Jade is smiling up at me from another beanbag, ears pricked up excitedly. I try hard to stifle the blush when I remember all of the stupid, inept flirting I’ve done with the people in this room. Still, it’s so nice to see all of them finally smiling. 

Well, most of them. Eridan’s glower could kill a grub, and seems to be directed primarily toward the tech-support team as he sits cross-legged on the floor. There’s also a random extra dude I don’t recognise, a human wearing sunglasses even douchier than the ones on my own face right now. Whoever this douchebag is, he doesn’t look too happy either. From nowhere, the loud sound of one of those stupid wiggler party-blower things nearly deafens me, and I turn around to face a slightly manic-looking Aradia. Holy shit, she finally got her “corpse party”, I bet this is like a fucking wet-dream come-true for her. I’m momentarily creeped out at the sight of her, until she gives me a warm hug and I remember that alive Aradia is actually pretty cool. It doesn’t escape my notice that she’s put a stupid paper hat on my head when she lets go, however. That thing is taking a long leap off a short troll, straight into the nearest waste-paper basket I can find. 

“Welcome to the After Party, dude.” Dave says, smiling widely. 

Although it's obviously frivolous and dumb, a party seems like it could be kind of fun. After all, I’ve missed most of these people so much over the past few years. It’s nice to finally be on an even footing, rather than having a constant sick feeling of guilt at letting them die. Feeling the guilt lift from my blood-pusher is a release I didn’t even know I was waiting for. I mentally kick myself for allowing a moment of optimism to creep into my life when Gamzee lopes out of what I assume is John's kitchen, face covered in green sopor. Maybe this is going to be a typical Vantas experience after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI - This is the John whose planet exploded, not the Alpha John.


	2. Glass Armour

===> Karkat: Get a fucking hold of yourself

Shit. Breathe, Vantas. Gamzee's eyes are so unfocused he probably doesn't even see you, and besides, you're dead, idiot. What else could he possibly do to you? Kanaya can obviously see the discomfort plastered across my face, even through these stupid glasses, and I send silent thanks her way when she gets up to steer the drooling moron toward a case of ghastly figurines. The colours should keep him occupied for a few hours. 

As my blood-pusher slows its jackhammering, I realise something Dave said earlier doesn't add up. 

"HANG ON A MINUTE, STRIDER. I THOUGHT YOU SAID EGBERT USED HIS GET-OUT-OF-UNIVERSE-FREE-CARD AND IS MERRILY WHOOSHING AROUND SPREADING HIS PLOT-FIXING IDIOT-SPARKLES ALL OVER THE TIMELINE. THIS JOHN LOOKS PRETTY FUCKING DECEASED TO ME." 

I examine John closely, making him squirm slightly in his little yellow shoes. He certainly appears to be the same doofus I've spent hours watching on my screen, with the notable exception of the blankness behind his glasses. 

Dave shrugs, "I dunno, man. This is definitely John, I mean, he remembers all the same stupid crap from our childhoods, even the really cringeworthy shit that should probably never be spoken of except in hushed tones when we all get hammered later, due to the afterlife being boring as hell. I think this John had to die to make room for the John in the main timeline, because c'mon seriously, imagine the damage that double Egberts sunny-side-up could do to the fabric of reality, all zipping around balancing buckets of water on people's doors and replacing all of their comestibles with cans full of spring-snakes. That is one whimsical motherfucker of a universe right there." 

The rambling, plus the fact that he forgot censor a bucket-reference in a room packed with trolls, tells me Dave is deeply uncomfortable. When he starts staring at the floor, scratching the back of his head, I realise he's drowning. Shit, I need a social life-preserver, fast. Thinking quickly for once, I take off his shades and pass them back. Even though my eyes hurt like hell, Dave needs them more than I do. Squinting through the shimmering film of tears, the relief on his face is palpable. With his armour in place, his shoulders settle back and he looks like his old coolkid self again. I realise I haven't seen Dave trying so hard to look relaxed in a long time. 

Egbert starts explaining that he and his planet just randomly blew up during the three-year battleship journey when Strider interrupts by grabbing my arm. 

"Sorry, dude, I'm just going to borrow Karkat for like two seconds, then you can have your tearful reunion and slam-dunk rabbits into boxes or chest-bump your disgusting wifebeaters to your heart's content. There's someone I think he'll want to see real quick." 

Dave drags me into the kitchen, his grip on my arm almost cutting off the circulation. I forgive the pain immediately when I'm greeted by the sight of the Mayor giving a speech to the can-citizens of John's kitchen. He seems to have acquired a little yellow salamander as an aide, and all in all it is the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen. The Mayor embraces my leg almost as tightly as Strider, and I gift him my dumb paper hat in return. I laugh when he immediately stuffs it into his mouth. 

Reunion over, I need to find out what the fuck is going on with Dave. You don't nearly amputate someone's arm just to show them something, however adorable it might be. 

"ARE YOU OK, STRIDER? AND DON'T EVEN BOTHER ANSWERING "YES" TO THAT BECAUSE I CAN TELL YOU AREN'T FUCKING OK." 

He avoids my gaze, making good use of his stupid shades. His face is redder than usual, and when he speaks there's an unfamiliar tremor in his voice. 

"Uh...I don't really know, dude. I'm not gonna be a dick and bring up the fact you asked and answered your own question there, but could you please stop shouting? There's a fuckload of people in the next room I'd rather not air my personal problems with." 

Shit, I guess I have been shouting. Three years on a giant echoey meteor haven't exactly emphasized the importance of proper volume control. 

"SORRY...sorry, man. I didn't mean to yell. So what the fuck is wrong? I thought Egbert was like your best human bro, and you've been yammering away about seeing Jade for years. Why do you look like you want to get as far away from them as possible?" 

I feel terrible when I see the distraught expression on his face. Excellent job at social interaction as usual, asshole. Really, first-class best-broship. They will name awards in your honour, you stupid waste of space. 

"I don't fucking know, Karkat, OK? Everything was fucking fine when it was me and John and Jade and Rose, but then she up and disappeared for some reason, and Jade let it slip she was dating Davesprite for like two years. As if that wasn't fucking weird enough, Vriska showed up with all these random trolls! Plus all the kids who are also our parents were here for about an hour and it was cool chatting with them, but then they all took off to look for some dead girl who's apparently really important. All except for the one fucking person I wish would leave, my goddamn teen bro, who I really, really don't want to deal with right now. But he's apparently bonded with Sollux over computer shit and has just decided that it's cool if he sticks around." 

He takes a deep breath, his whole body shuddering. 

"Plus John is so fucking oblivious he hasn't even noticed I'm incredibly uncomfortable, and I feel awkward as shit around him because he hasn't changed at all and is still the same adorkable dweeb I grew up chatting to, but I feel like a totally different guy. Like, the guy he thinks I am doesn't even exist anymore, and I have to live up to all my bogus ironic shtick because that's what he's expecting. That's the Dave he was friends with. And I'm worried he won't fucking like me if I don't, OK? And you're the only person who understands all of this crap and you weren't here and I thought I was going to go crazy waiting for you to show up which makes me a terrible excuse for a best friend because I should have been hoping you survived by some one-in-a-billion chance, not hoping your dead self would show up to make me feel better. I guess I'm just really fucking glad you're here now even though it's embarrassing as shit that I apparently fall to pieces if you're not around." 

Holy shit. That is a lot to deal with on the first day of your afterlife. No wonder Dave looks like he's about to break down and cry. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say so much in one breath before. 

I put my arms around him, gently, and wait for him to breathe again instead of silently gasping for air. His chest is warm against my face, and he smells comfortingly of soap. I'm used to squashing the pale feelings in my chest by now, and this definitely isn't the time to bring them up. Each time I've so much as hinted at the fact that he's painfully deep in my pale quadrant has made Strider ollie outie before I can even get past the first sentence. Still, he returns the hug tightly, and I can tell he's trying his best with the feeble human disease called friendship. Just like me to pick a fucking alien to be pale for. He obviously needs me, and I want him to be OK so bad it hurts. 

"Stop being an idiot, Dave. Everything's going to be fine. John likes you so much he wouldn't care if you grew a second head, and he certainly isn't going to be offended if you stop wearing sunglasses all of the fucking time and saying "yo, dude" every five minutes. He knows that isn't really you. I don't know why you think you were such a ninja-fucking-master at hiding your feelings back when you were thirteen years old. Anyone who’s had more than one conversation with you can tell you’re not just some meme-generating hipster stereotype. People who actually liked that bullshit wouldn't be worth thirty seconds of your time.” 

I smile up at him, hoping I’m not freaking him out with all of this personal-space invasion. He doesn't pull away, and I rub his back a little, encouraging him to breathe slowly and deeply. 

“Don't worry about the other trolls, either. They might seem like crazy nutballs, and OK, some of them are, but you don't have to fucking talk to them if you don't want to. I mean, you already know Terezi and Kanaya are cool, and Aradia, Nepeta and Sollux are totally safe to interact with if you want to. Feferi's OK too if you can stand constant, globe-crushing fish puns. As for your teen-Bro, if he even so much as looks at you funny, we'll just throw him the fuck out. Problem solved." 

Dave sniffs, patting me on the back in that stupid human way that means he’s had enough physical contact. I let go, wishing he was a troll so I'd know what to do to help him. 

"We'd better go back in, I guess. You probably want to hang out with the guys you haven't seen for years rather than the douchebag you literally saw minutes before you got killed." 

I give him the look reserved for when he's being thicker than a pair of short hive-building blocks. 

"STRIDER, DON'T...sorry...don't you remember giving me a fucking inspirational speech about how you and me and John are going to be "best bros forever," or some nonsense like that? Nothing's changed, you ass. I still want to hang out with your ghost so don't start with all the self-hate bullshit. That is exclusively my domain, so leave it to the fucking master." 

Dave gives me a small smile, and it's mortifying how relieved I am. 

"Fucking-master, eh?" he replies, smile turning into a smirk. 

"DON'T YOU FORGET IT, DUMBASS. I'LL SHOW YOU MY TROPHIES IF YOU'RE GOOD. THEY'LL BLOW YOUR FRAGILE HUMAN MIND." 

Nothing cheers him up like innuendo. Just as Dave is starting to act normally again, Egbert's bespectacled face pops around the door. 

"Are you done playing with Casey and your little Mayor buddy? I think your techy friend has finished configuring Trollian so we can see the Alpha-usses. C'mon, it's going to be totally neat! I bet they've been up to all kinds of crazy hijinks!" 

Glancing at Dave, I watch his facade of indifference slam down like a set of impenetrable steel shutters. He shrugs nonchalantly, letting John take his arm and lead him back into the living room. 

Goddamn it, Strider.


	3. Timeline Envy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter to follow very soon...

===> Karkat: Re-join Party

John has shifted Vriska and Terezi off the couch when I wander through, and is motioning frantically at the sliver of cushion next to the arm. Great, just enough room for an awkward three-way-bro-snuggle, plus Kanaya. The couch isn't really big enough for four people and Dave ends up sandwiched between us, sitting up ramrod straight. John really is fucking clueless. The Scourge Sisters have taken over the beanbag chair that Nepeta and Equius were using, since they’ve apparently gone off somewhere to role-play at being magnificent musclebeasts or something equally stupid.

Feferi helps Sollux up, making sure he's facing everyone and not giving a grand address to the wall. Their obvious pale chemistry is lost on nobody, and the sound of highblooded teeth grinding together is clearly audible. Giving us a grin full of razors, Sollux tells us all to shut the fuck up and listen.

“Ok lo2ers, the termiinal ii2 all 2et up 2o we can follow people iin the alpha tiimeliine. The feed cut2 out ju2t before the final 2howdown, probably becau2e the re2iident voiid a22hole 2hows up and make2 iit iimpo22iible two 2ee a fuckiing thiing."

Jegus, I'd forgotten how bad his lisp was. No wonder he was pleased when I dropped him face-first down the stairs in another glowing moment of leadership. John's carpet is going to need a fucking dream steam clean to get all the mustard-coloured saliva out.

"Before that we can 2ee anything we want, although ii 2ugge2t we don't pi22 around lookiing at 2hit we've already 2een becau2e we fuckiing liived through iit. 2triider ha2 hooked me up wiith audiio commentary 2o ii wiill bee iin charge of thii2 magiical my2tery tour. Fa2ten your 2eatbelt2 and tell me whiich douchebag you want two 2py on fiir2t."

At the mention of "thtrider" I look up at Dave, but he shrugs and flicks a thumb toward the guy with the pointy shades, who is perched on the edge of a stool by the kitchen door. He gives me a smile and a two-finger salute when I glance over at him. I feel a little pang of sympathy when he obviously regrets it, reverting immediately to a deadpan expression with his hands clasped tightly together. Unbelievably, this guy is even more self-conscious than Dave. Social ineptitude clearly runs in the Strider family.

A pair of glowing red triangles appears on the TV as John busies himself loudly shooshing everyone. He turns bright red when Terezi points out that he's the one making the most noise. The quiet doesn't last for long, as a voice that sounds a little like Dave's comes over the speakers.

"Hello, assorted ladies, gents and weird aliens. I am Lil' Hal, and I'll be your guide to vicariously spying on your nearest and dearest. Let me know whose ass you want to ogle first."

Alt-Strider has his head in his hands now.

Terezi snorts, and yells out "ME F1RST!"

The computer program, if that's what it is, is happy to oblige. We watch in silence as we see Terezi facing down Vriska, knowing something has to go differently this time. Everything looks the same until Egbert zaps into existence and pops Vriska squarely in the mouth.

The room erupts with laughter, with the loudest of all coming from Vriska herself. She offers John a high five, giggling that he "showed that 8itch who was 8oss!" Um. What the fuck? Vriska notices me staring at her incredulously, and explains that Alpha-Serket is a colossal asshole who deserves all the pain the universe can dish out. Clearly something is going on there besides timeline-envy. Terezi shooshes her gently, calming the sharpness in her voice.

“Lil’Hal” starts spooling through the timeline, showing us snapshots of FLARP sessions and meteor explorations with Dave and Vriska. I am unsurprisingly absent. He stops with a disorientating lurch when Alpha-serket throws down her dice during one of the games, a flash of light severing Dave’s head from his body.

“Holy crap, people. It seems there is a 97% chance that that devastatingly handsome guy just got totally owned. Rest in pieces, dude.”

The sight of Alpha-Dave’s blood spreading across the metal floor is enough to make me feel as though I’m going to lose my lunch. Which I didn’t eat, because I’m fucking dead. I don’t even know if it’s possible for ghosts to throw up, and this is not the time to be contemplating that shit. From the immobile prison of my body, I feel Dave stiffen, his leg pressed against mine. Remember, dumbass, the guy on the screen isn’t my Dave, my brorail or whatever he is to me. Hands shaking, I watch his corpse revive in a bright flash of colours. I nearly catapult out of my seat when my dazed reverie is interrupted by a scream from the beanbag to my left.

"AAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!!!! THAT A8OMINA8LE FUCKING MURDER8ITCH! I CAN'T...FUCKING...8ELIEVE SHE GETS TO 8E ALIVE...WHEN I'M STUCK HERE...IN THIS FUCKING JOKE...OF AN AFTERLIFE!!!!!!!!"

Tears are streaming down Vriska's face in spite of Terezi's gentle papping, as she alternates between screeching and trying to force enough air into her lungs. Fuck, who the hell is this person? It certainly isn't the Vriska I remember. She's snuffling into Terezi's shoulder now, mumbling something I can't make out. Kanaya slides down onto the floor, positioning herself next to her former moirail and offering her proximity as a platonic act of comfort. Stop it Karkat, you are fucking narrating this like it's one of your novels. You've got pale on the goddamn think-pan, you social retard. At least there's space to breathe on the couch now.

The pair of pulsing red triangles on the TV has paused the video feed, and proceeds to get everyone's attention by playing an over-compressed recording of someone clearing their throat. I notice that the superfluous Strider appears to have left the room.

"Excuse me guys and dolls, but it seems I have been informed by the so-called "Real Dirk" that I need to dial down the asshole rating on my commentary by an unspecified percentage, which I am currently attempting to robo-calculate. By what standard he can claim to be anything more than one of the merry multitude of idiot-splinters scattered across paradox space, I have no idea. Clearly his expert justification skills are beyond the comprehension of an emotionless virtual entity such as myself."

A exasperated groan comes from the kitchen, followed by the sound of a door slamming. Exit Strider stage right, I guess.

Terezi is looking up at me pleadingly now, anxious for something to distract this weird, sensitive Vriska. Shit. There's no way I want to watch Kanaya and Lalonde alternate between making-out and knitting, and besides, I can hardly volunteer anyone for the same shit that Serket's just been through. I guess that just leaves yours-fucking-truly.

"SOLLUX, GET THIS ROBO-DOUCHE TO SHOW US WHAT HAPPENS TO ALPHA-KARKAT. I'M SURE WE COULD ALL USE A FUCKING LAUGH RIGHT ABOUT NOW."

He smirks in my direction, and I notice he's got a direct-line to the red triangles via his headset. That must be what he meant by "audio commentary."

"2ure thiing, KK. Liil' A22hole 2ay2 alpha-KK ii2 the mo2t iintere2tiing anyway."

Great. What the fuck does that mean? Suddenly I'm really, really not sure about this. It's too late, though, because the screen is already showing panoramic shots of Can-Town. Shit, it's not Can-Town, it's Can-City, Can-fucking-Metropolis. I share a look of pure awe with Dave, both of our mouths gaping at the majesty of its wide boulevards and the fact it seems to have annexed the neighbouring storage-bay. I guess Strider stopped hanging out with Serket and Terezi after the decapitation incident, and it looks like his time has been well spent. Silently, I bump the fist that Dave proffers in admiration and respect for the grand work of our alpha-selves. John looks totally confused, but I wouldn't expect him to understand. As Dave would say, "he wasn't there, man."

The program scrubs through a few months of time at high speed, showing us building from a few measly streets to the magnificent utopia we've already seen. He/it seems to enjoy making montages, because the next set of clips of me and Dave generally broing-out is accompanied by some godawful music that I vaguely recognise. John is in hysterics as the chorus rolls around, " _You take my breath awaaaay..._ " and I remember it's from that dumb romance film about pilots. Dave's face has turned the same colour as his outfit, and I realise that there's some kind of social implication at work here. Judging by Strider and Egbert's reactions, the implication is that Alpha-Dave and Alpha-Karkat are Alpha-fucking each other's brains out.

"VERY FUCKING AMUSING, CYBER-MUNCH. WE GET IT, IT'S A BROMANCE FOR THE AGES. GOT ANY OTHER SUGGESTIVE BULLSHIT UP THOSE VIRTUAL SLEEVES, OR IS THAT IT?"

The sound of canned laughter from a shitty sitcom bursts through the TV speakers.

"Oh, I'm not done here, little alien buddy. Where we're going, we don't need suggestive soundtracks. If I was capable of human emotions, I'd be swooning like the protagonist of one of those novels you seem to enjoy."

FUCK. Whose brilliant idea was it to let a cybernetic sociopath have access to the intimate details of our lives? Well, not our lives, my brain helpfully reminds me. Those are over, remember? But as far as my shame globes are concerned, that's me up there holding hands with Dave and the Mayor and gazing un-self-consciously into each other's eyes.

When the stupid song ends, everything gets much, much worse.

I'm vaguely aware of classical music swelling and firework gifs going off at the corners of the screen, but most of my attention is held vice-like by the sight of my Alpha counterpart sharing the most passionate kiss I have ever fucking seen with my good bro Dave. Although I can't seem to look away, I sense Strider take off like a rocket, not even bothering to pretend that he's going to grab a soda or use the load-gaper. A part of me is jealous as fuck because I can't seem to move. Or speak.

FUCK.


	4. Nuclear Meltdown

===> Karkat: Snap out of it

Finally, when a montage of full-on-makeouts begins, I manage to get my squawk blister in gear. 

"SOLLUX, MAKE THAT CRAZY ASSHOLE PROGRAM GET THAT SHIT OFF THE FUCKING SCREEN!" 

He looks up, confused, in the direction of my high-pitched yelling. 

"What'2 the matter, KK? Calm the fuck down. Thii2 ii2 ju2t a 2tupiid bunch of cliip2 of you and 2triider FLARPiing your a22e2 off liike dumb liittle wiiggler2. Iit'2 ju2t 2hit2 and giiggles, iidiiot." 

That conniving silicon bastard is lying to him. What kind of literal chip do you have to have on your virtual shoulder to deceive a fucking blind kid? My hands, shit, my whole body is shaking like a leaf packed with righteous indignation. The combined sniggers from Eridan and Terezi echo at the periphery of my mind as I stride...fuck, great choice of mental terminology there, moron...march towards the close-up of a semi-naked Dave pulling my shirt over my head. Just as I'm starting to remove his ghastly smuppet underwear, my giant face transfixed with flushed arousal, I yank out the cable connecting the husktop to the TV so hard that I almost drag the headset off Sollux's ear along with it. His surprised expression would be comical under other circumstances, but right now I am a fragile ghost-flesh shell of poorly-contained, holocaust-strength shame-fury. 

"HE IS FUCKING LYING TO YOU, YOU NAIIVE IMBECILE. HE JUST DISPLAYED THE MOST PRIVATE, PERSONAL MOMENTS OF MY...HIS...FUCK, ALPHA-KARKAT'S LIFE ON THE GODDAMN JUMBO-TRON FOR ALL TO SEE! IF YOU STILL HAD FUNCTIONING GANDERBULBS YOU'D BE WATCHING ME VOMIT UP THE LAST, FINAL, UNHUMILIATED ATOM OF MY TORTURED BEING. IT'S BEEN A LONG JOURNEY TRANCENDING INTO A BEING OF PURE, HOMOGENOUS SHAME-MATTER, BUT AT LAST, IT IS COMPLETE. I CAN FINALLY FUCKING REST. THE GESTURE OF EXPUNGING THE LAST REMNANT OF MY DIGNITY IS SO SMALL IT CAN ONLY BE DESCERNED BY THE MOST SENSITIVE SELF-RESPECT-DETECTOR IN ALL OF PARADOX-SPACE, AND EVEN THEN, THE MICROSECOND IT TAKES FOR ITS EPHEMERAL FORM TO BE ENGULFED BY THE COSMIC-SCALE EMBARASSMENT-FIELD CENTRED AT THE INTERSECTION OF KARKAT AND VANTAS IS TOO INFINITESIMAL TO BE FUCKING MEASURED!!! 

Feferi is holding tightly to my forearm now, clearly afraid I'm going to extract some retribution from poor, blameless Sollux. I can't look at his black eyeholes for another fucking second as a tsunami of shame at flipping out at him washes over me. To mix metaphors, it is like pouring more fire onto an already vigorously-burning fire. You would have thought I couldn't possibly feel any worse, but my body apparently keeps a little extra self-loathing stored away nutbeast-style for special occasions. 

Turning on my heel, I march past the shocked contingent of trolls surrounding the couch; past Jade, who is studying the floor intently; past a beetroot-coloured, shoe-fixated John; past the drooling moron watching the colourful figurines dancing about in his migraine of a sylladex, and out into the kitchen. 

The mayor looks up indignantly as I kick a citizen across the floor, instantly regretting it when my foot reminds me how thin my shoes are. Feferi needn't have worried I'd do anything to Sol. I know whose fucking fault this is and they just shot straight to the top of my mile-long shit list. Wrenching the back door open, I silently pray to the gods of rage that the dorkier of the two Striders is still out here somewhere. 

Mercifully, John's subconscious seems to have situated his house on the edge of an unscalable cliff, which the douchebag wearing a shirt with a picture of a goddamn hat on it is perched on, legs dangling over the side. The yawning vertigo in my stomach goes a little way toward usurping the anger, and by the time I carefully sit down a few feet away from him I can no longer tell which has won control of my trembling body. There's no fucking way I'm putting my feet over the edge. 

Taking a deep breath, I prepare to make his auricular sponge-clots wish they'd never developed. I let the air out again, sharply, when his too-familiar face turns toward me, puffy and red from crying. Shit. 

"Hey," he mutters, his voice deeper than Dave's but still achingly similar. 

I shut my gaping shout-hole, realising I probably shouldn't introduce myself to Dave's genetic father/brother with an unheralded shitfit of epic proportions. Besides, he's clearly got enough on his nutrition plataux right now. 

"HEY YOURSELF." I reply, awkwardly examining the grass between us. 

"I'm Dirk. Dirk Strider," he adds, obviously wishing he was anybody else right now. 

"UH, KARKAT. KARKAT VANTAS," I reply, wondering why the fuck we're introducing ourselves like that idiot human spy from Dave's movies. You are literally the worst spy in history if the first thing you do is introduce yourself with your actual fucking name. 

I decide to try some normal conversation instead. 

“UH, I THINK YOU WERE TALKING TO SOLLUX EARLIER? HE AND I WERE BEST FRIENDS WHEN WE WERE KIDS, BUT I HAVEN'T REALLY SEEN HIM SINCE HE DIED A COUPLE OF TIMES AND WENT TO HANG OUT WITH HIS MATESPRIT BY A GIANT BALL OF GREEN FIRE." 

Normal, idiot. Not retarded. 

"ANYWAY...THAT COMPUTER PROGRAM THE TWO OF YOU INSTALLED SURE IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF EFFLUENCE. WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT DIGITARD COME FROM? DID YOU STUDY ADVANCED PROGRAMMING WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SHITHEAD-DESIGN, OR SOMETHING? 

OK, better. Way too aggressive, but at least in the ballpark of making logical sense. Dirk obviously finds it amusing because he lets out a little grunt of laughter. 

"You're looking directly at the fountain of social mortification, Karkat Vantas. That asshole is a copy of my thirteen-year-old brain, and he will never, ever, let me forget it. You would have thought that death would grant me a release from his constant presence, but apparently my reward for giving him the gift of virtual autonomy is having him follow me into the fucking afterlife." 

He leans forward, head in his hands, and for a second I think he's going to throw himself off the cliff. When he looks directly at me I realise he hasn't had his stupid shades on this whole time. 

"I am warning you, man. If you drink from my waters, you will be granted eternal release from the pressures of friendship, as well as the inability to relate to people at any level beyond the superficial." 

Damn. Fucking Striders and their personal issues, am I right? My resolve to tear him a new cloacal opening is suddenly at an all-time-low, although by human standards it's probably still pretty high. 

“IF YOU HATE THAT THING SO MUCH, WHY DID YOU GIVE IT THE KEYS TO THE FUCKING TIMELINE? I ADMIT I DON’T KNOW YOU FROM THE NEXT GHOSTLY MORON, BUT THAT DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THE WORLD’S SMARTEST DECISION.” 

He sighs, tugging at the roots of his swept-back hair. The colour is identical to Dave’s, and his forearms are dotted with the same constellation of freckles that are apparently all over Dave’s body. Which you are not fucking thinking about right now, Vantas. 

“I just…wanted him out of my face for five minutes,” is all he can manage as an explanation. 

OK. I’m just going to tread carefully around that particular interpersonal minefield. 

"NOT THAT IT ISN'T WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOU JOIN US FOR MENTAL-BREAKDOWN-FEST-99', BUT WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO STAY HERE RATHER THAN GOING ON A DEAD-GIRL HUNT WITH YOUR FRIENDS?" 

And blunder straight into another one. If it were possible, he looks even more dejected. Good job, moron. 

"It's kind of a long story. Basically, I thought it might be for the best to let the guy I've been pursuing romantically for his entire life have some space from my cloying, needy bullshit. I know how it feels to have a mistake endlessly follow you around with no goddamn relief." 

Well. That explains some of this particular Strider's issues. He's almost as insecure as Dave, who I should probably check on. Since he took off like his ass was on fire, I anticipate that he's freaking the fuck out right now. 

Scratching at the base of one horn, I explain that I'm going to need to do some stuff on my phone, checking in with a friend etc. He nods morosely, staring out into the clouded skies. 

Opening up Trollian reveals a host of blinking messages, but none from Dave. Everyone and their fucking lusus has tried to contact me. I ignore all of them, opening a chat with the only person I want to speak to right now. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] 

CG: DAVE, WHERE ARE YOU? 

CG: THE ASSHOLE ON TV DUTY HAS WELL AND TRULY BEEN SHUT DOWN, SO YOU CAN COME OUT FROM WHEREVER YOU'RE HIDING. 

CG: I KNOW IT SUCKS HOW EMBARRASSING THAT WAS, BUT IT'S OVER NOW. IT WAS TERRIBLE FOR BOTH OF US, SO THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS STICK TOGETHER. 

CG: THAT WASN'T EVEN US, JUST SOME IDIOTS WHO SHARE OUR DNA. YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT, DON'T YOU? 

CG: I CAN TELL YOU'RE FREAKING OUT, STRIDER. 

CG: YOU KNOW SHIT NEVER GETS BETTER ON ITS OWN, SO FUCKING MESSAGE ME WHEN YOU WANT TO TALK IT OUT. 

CG: I'LL BE WAITING. AS YOU KNOW, TIME IS NOT SOMETHING WE HAVE IN SHORT SUPPLY, SO WHY BOTHER WITH ALL THIS BULLSHIT? 

CG: AND IF YOU WON’T TALK TO ME THEN AT LEAST TALK TO KANAYA OR SOMEONE. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] 

I decide to leave him alone for a bit. It's been a difficult day for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The inside of Karkat's head is a fun place.  
> Next chapter, pesterlogs pesterlogs pesterlogs.


	5. Vvillage Twwo-wwheel device

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Double update today!  
> Thank you all so much for reading, and for your kudos :)

===> Karkat: answer assholes

Waiting for Dave to reply is agonising, so I decide to handle some of the legion of pesterers. Scrolling through my numerous messages, I start dealing with them in reverse order of importance. 

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

CA: hey kar 

CA: glad you finally showwed up its been boring as shit in this excuse for an afterlife wwithout you 

CA: wwatching feferi papping that lowwblooded trash for swweeps has been un-fuckin-bearable 

CA: so did you get dowwn wwith the swweet piece of ass in the shades or wwas that just alpha-kar 

CG: SHUT UP, ASSHOLE. I'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR GODDAMN RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS LATER. NOW IS NOT THE FUCKING TIME. 

CA: wwell i guess thats a no then 

CA: sorry you struck out 

CA: mind if I try my luck wwith him 

CA: that wwas some steamy shit kar im feelin pretty flushed if im honest 

CG: FUCK OFF, ERIDAN. 

CG: TRY ANYTHING AND YOU WILL LOSE YOUR AFTERLIFE PRIVILEGES, HE IS FREAKED-OUT ENOUGH ALREADY WITHOUT YOU SNIFFING AROUND HIM. 

CA: ok message recievved hes all yours im not totally clueless 

CG: I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOUR HORSESHIT RIGHT NOW. THE VANTAS ADVICE-LINE IS SO CLOSED, YOU COULDN'T FORCE YOUR MINUSCULE EXCUSE FOR A BULGE INTO IT. 

CG: LATER, FUCKFACE. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked caligulasAquarium [CA] 

One douchebag dealt with, a billion to go. Kanaya and Terezi have sent generic "are you OK?" messages, which I reply to with as much positivity as I can muster. Vriska's message is both unexpected and downright bizarre. 

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

AG: Hi Karkat. 

AG: I know I was pro8a8ly a huge 8itch to you when I was alive, and I'm sorry. 

AG: I was horri8le to a lot of people. 

AG: 8ut I just wanted you to know, I sympathise with having a waste of space for an Alpha-counterpart. 

AG: Whatever he does is not a reflection on you. 

AG: At least that's what I have to keep telling myself. ::::( 

CG: SHIT, VRISKA, WHAT DID SHE DO TO YOU? 

CG: NOT THAT I DISAGREE WITH YOUR ASSESSMENT OF HER AS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT, BUT SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE THE EMOTIONAL MATURITY TO CALL HER ON IT? 

AG: I've 8een dead for a while, Karkat. It makes you reevalu8 things. Like how you treated people, and how you 8ehaved. 

AG: I don't want to go into detail 8ut she showed up and ruined my fucking afterlife. Called 8ullshit on everything I've worked on, all the effort I've made to act like a decent fucking person. 

AG: Turned my m8sprit against me. ::::( 

AG: I h8 her!!!!!!!! 

CG: WOW. THAT SOUNDS TOTALLY JUSTIFIED. 

CG: SHE SOUNDS FUCKING TERRIBLE AND THERE'S NO WAY YOU SHOULD BE GIVING HER OPINIONS A MILLISECOND OF YOUR TIME. 

CG: SHE CHOPPED STRIDER'S HEAD OFF, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. CLEARLY A COMPLETE AND TOTAL PSYCHO. 

AG: I guess. 

CG: I, FOR ONE, WHOLEHEARTEDLY ENDORSE THE UNEXPECTED EXISTANCE OF A NICE VERSION OF VRISKA SERKET. PARTICULARLY ONE WHO ACTUALLY EMPATHISES WITH OTHER PEOPLE INSTEAD OF MURDERING THEM. 

AG: Thanks Karkat. That makes me feel a 8it 8etter. 

AG: For what it's worth, Alpha-you looked sickeningly happy with Strider. 

AG: Not everyone gets the chance to be happy, you know. ::::( 

AG: Maybe you should give that some thought when you're planning the rest of your afterlife. 

CG: OK, WELL, THANKS FOR THE COMPLETELY UNSOLICITED RELATIONSHIP ADVICE, BUT I'M GOING TO GO BEFORE YOU SUGGEST I THROW MYSELF INTO HIS ARMS AND CONFESS MY UNDYING AFFECTION LIKE A SIMPERING ANIME MAIDEN. 

CG: HAS IT OCCURED TO YOU THAT STRIDER MIGHT BE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA OF GOING WITHIN A FUCKING LIGHT-YEAR OF MY QUADRANTS? 

CG: BECAUSE THAT IS THE GODDAMN SITUATION, SERKET. I CAN'T GET HIM TO ACKNOWLEGE THERE MIGHT BE THE TINIEST POSSIBILITY OF ANYTHING ROMANTIC BETWEEN US, SO IT'S A WASTE OF TIME TRYING. 

AG: Which quadrant? 

CG: WHAT? 

AG: I'm just saying may8e you weren't suggesting the right colour. Or not the right shade, anyway. 

CG: RIGHT. OF COURSE. HE'S OBVIOUSLY FALLEN PREY TO MY NON-EXISTENT SEXUAL WILES. 

CG: I'LL BE SURE TO SPEAK TO YOU NEXT TIME I NEED A FUCKING LAUGH, SERKET. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] 

I don't know if I can handle Vriska behaving like she actually gives a shit on top of everything else. No word from Dave, so it's time to bite the bullet and deal with Sollux. Hopefully I haven't fucked everything up irreparably. 

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CA] 

TA: KK are you there 

TA: FF told me what happened 

TA: ii am 2o fuckiing 2orry man ii 2hould never have tru2ted that piiece of 2hit 2oftware 

TA: Fuck, iit's only been fiive miinute2 and everythiing ii2 already liike 2iix miilliion on the embara22ment 2cale 

TA: iit'2 makiing me no2talgic 

CG: AGREED. 

CG: SORRY I YELLED AT YOU. 

CG: I KNOW IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. UNFORTUNATELY I LOST CONTROL OF THE HIGH-PRESSURE HOSE OF MY DIRECTIONLESS IRE, AND YOU ENDED UP IN THE SPLASH ZONE ONCE AGAIN. 

TA: Don't fuckiing worry about iit KK. You’re a one man 2hout-factory all the tiime, iidiiot. 

TA: ii have never been 2o glad to be bliind though, no way ii want to 2ee you 2uckiing face with 2ome douchebag. 

TA: that'2 a one way tiicket to vomiit central. 

CG: HA! YOU WISH YOU HAD THE ABILITY TO VIEW THE MAGNIFICENCE THAT WAS JUST BESTOWED UPON YOUR EMPTY GANDERSOCKETS. 

CG: OH WAIT, THAT’S TOTAL BULLSHIT. 

CG: VOMIT CENTRAL IS MY NEW PERMANENT ADDRESS, SOLLUX. THE SMELL IS TERRIBLE BUT AT LEAST THE RENT IS LOW. 

CG: SO ARE WE STILL FRIENDS? 

TA: ye2 a22face 

TA: who el2e am ii goiing to hang out wiith once ii'm done chiilliing wiith the ladiies? 

CG: GOOD. THAT IS A FUCKING RELIEF. 

TA: iif ii was better prepared ii'd have pulled a 2weet 

TA: DOUBLE ENTENDRE 

TA: ju2t now. 

TA: 2orry that 2ucked, ii'm out of practiice. 

CG: I OUGHT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD FOR THAT, BUT I HAVE HONESTLY MISSED TALKING TO YOU SO MUCH THAT I DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW TERRIBLE YOUR ATTEMPTS AT WORDPLAY ARE. 

CG: I'LL COME FIND YOU LATER ONCE I'VE SORTED OUT STRIDER'S EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS. 

TA: good luck wiith that and leave me the fuck out of iit. 

CG: MY. FUCKING. PLEASURE. 

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CA] 

Thank god for that, I couldn’t stand an infinite afterlife of Sollux being pithhed off at me. Still nothing from Dave. Shit, I have to make sure he’s OK. Better see if either of the Harleyberts has seen him. Egbert has already been trying to contact me, so I’ll check on his nonsense first. 

ectoBiologist[EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

EB: karkat? are you ok? 

EB: i hope you arent too upset because of that stupid computer program and his weird video montages. 

EB: i mean none of that stuff really happened, right? 

EB: so you and dave don’t need to be embarrassed or anything, and I wish you’d come back because i’m getting kind of worried about both of you. 

CG: I’M FINE, EGBERT. THAT SHIT ALL HAPPENED IN ANOTHER TIMELINE SO IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, AND I’M GOING TO CLICK MY ADORABLE LITTLE RUBY SLIPPERS TOGETHER AND WHISPER “THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE THE PAST, WHERE I HADN’T SEEN THAT SHIT” UNTIL I WAKE UP IN FUCKING KANSAS. PROBLEM SOLVED, AND REPLACED WITH LIVING IN ABJECT POVERTY IN A MONOCHROME UNIVERSE. SOUNDS LIKE HEAVEN. 

CG: ALSO I’VE BEEN LITERALLY SIX FEET FROM YOUR BACK DOOR THIS WHOLE TIME, EGBERT, SO YOU CAN’T HAVE BEEN THAT CONCERNED ABOUT MY WHEREABOUTS. 

EB: sorry, i got distracted talking to jade and i thought you needed some space. no offense karkat but i didn’t want to be on the receiving end of what happened to sollux. 

CG: YES. SORRY. I WAS OUT OF LINE THERE. SOLLUX AND I ARE FINE, SO IT WOULD BE FANTASTIC IF YOU COULD FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT EXCRUCIATING DISPLAY. 

EB: of course, karkat. being dead takes a bit of getting used to emotionally, but you’ll be fine. it’s nice to finally get the chance to hang out with you all! 

EB: what did you mean by it happened in another timeline, by the way? i thought all those videos were just the triangle program messing with us? 

CG: JOHN, HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO PUT YOUR STUPID PYJAMAS ON THE RIGHT WAY ROUND IN THE EVENING? IT’S ALREADY BEEN EXPLAINED SEVERAL TIMES THAT THE VIDEO FEED WAS OF THINGS THAT HAD HAPPENED TO THE CURRENT CROP OF ALIVE-USSES. 

EB: so are you and dave…dating in the alpha-timeline? 

CG: APPARENTLY SO, EGBERT. I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE DEFINITIVE EVIDENCE WAS ALL OF THE AFOREMENTIONED SHIT-WE-AREN’T-GOING-TO-MENTION-EVER-AGAIN. 

EB: oh. ok. It’s just a bit surprising, that’s all. i can’t really believe that you and dave would be like…that. 

CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THE CONCEPT IS SO CONTROVERSIAL TO YOU. 

CG: DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’M NOT SAYING I WANTED TO WATCH ALPHA-DAVE AND KARKAT SLOBBER ALL OVER EACH OTHER IN FRONT OF A ROOM FULL OF MY FRIENDS, LIKE SOME KIND OF PERVERT. NEED I REFER YOU TO MY EARLIER PLANS INVOLVING CRIMSON FOOTWEAR? 

CG: BUT THEY AREN’T US, JOHN. THEY ARE THE ONES WHO WERE SMART OR STUPID ENOUGH TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE MEAT-GRINDER OF PARADOX SPACE AND COME OUT ALIVE. 

CG: IN OUR TIMELINE, DAVE AND I HAVE NOT BEEN HUMAN “DATING”, BUT IS IT SO INCONCEIVABLE THAT VERSIONS OF US COULD HAVE FLUSHED FEELINGS FOR ONE ANOTHER? THEY SPENT THREE YEARS TRAPPED TOGETHER, EGBERT. OPTIONS WERE RELATIVELY THIN ON THE GROUND FOR BOTH OF THEM. AND THAT’S WITHOUT ACKNOWLEGING THAT THEY ARE BOTH PRETTY FUCKING AMAZING PEOPLE. 

CG: I SHOULD KNOW, I AM ONE OF THEM. 

EB: i guess so karkat. i mean, yes, you are both really nice people and you’re two of my best friends. 

EB: i know you get on really well. i just never thought that dave was…you know. 

CG: NO, I DON’T KNOW, EGBERT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. 

EB: i never thought that dave was attracted to guys, karkat! there, you made me say it. 

EB: i know that it isn’t a thing for trolls, but it is for humans. the default setting for most people is to want to be with someone of the opposite gender, becase you need both a man and a woman to make a baby. that’s just how reproduction works with humans. 

EB: and all of this just makes me wonder about all the stuff we used say to each other when we were kids. 

EB: i mean we used to call each other gay all the time, and it would just be weird if dave actually turned out to be gay. 

CG: GAY? 

EB: that’s what it’s called when you are attracted to people who are the same gender as you. i guess trolls don’t have that word? 

CG: NO WE DO NOT. I HAVE NO CLUE WHY IT IS EVEN A THING. 

CG: AM I TO JUDGE FROM YOUR DISCOMFORT SURROUNDING THE TOPIC THAT THERE’S SOME KIND OF BULLSHIT STIGMA ATTACHED TO DATING PEOPLE OF THE SAME GENDER AS YOURSELF IN HUMAN SOCIETY? 

EB: well no, not really, i mean there used to be. i think at one point it was even illegal. 

EB: but it was completely wrong to make people feel bad for liking other ladies or other guys, and everyone is totally fine with people being gay now. it’s not a big deal really. 

CG: I AM SO INCREDIBLY CONVINCED BY WHAT YOU JUST SAID, EGBERT. 

CG: THE ART OF DEBATE DIED THIS DAY, HAPPY IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SUCH A MAGNIFICENTLY CONVINCING ARGUMENT WAS THE HARBINGER OF ITS DOOM. 

EB: it’s just a big part of who a person is, and i thought that dave and i were good enough friends that he’d have been able to tell me something like that. 

EB: that’s all. 

CG: THAT’S VERY SWEET OF YOU. 

CG: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GRUDGING TOLERANCE OF PERSONAL PREFERENCES THAT ARE NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. 

CG: HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT DAVE MAY NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT KIND OF THING WITH ANYONE? OR, FOR THAT MATTER, THAT HE MIGHT NOT WANT TO POUR HIS BLOOD-PUSHER OUT TO SOMEONE WHO IS SO OBVIOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE TOPIC? 

EB: i suppose so, karkat. now I feel like a terrible friend. 

EB: maybe i should let you look for dave, since i think it’s a lot less likely that you’ll upset him. i don’t seem to be doing very well at this. 

CG: THAT SEEMS WISE. I’LL EXPLAIN THAT YOU CAN’T SPEAK FOR MORE THAN TWO STRAIGHT SECONDS BEFORE RAMMING YOUR FOOT SO FAR DOWN YOUR THROAT THAT YOU CAN KICK YOUR OWN FRAGILE HUMAN GENITALIA FROM THE INSIDE. 

CG: I KNOW HE’LL UNDERSTAND. HE’S MISSED THE HELL OUT OF YOU, EGBERT. 

EB: thanks buddy. i promise i’ll do better when i see dave in person. could you apologise for some of the messages i’ve sent him, please? 

EB: in hindsight, they weren’t very sensitive. 

EB: he flew off sort of upwards so my guess is he’s hiding on the roof. 

CG: THANKS, JOHN. I’LL KEEP YOU POSTED. 

EB: oh, almost forgot, did you know jade was dating dave sprite? how would that even work with the ghost butt and all? 

CG: ALL OUR BUTTS ARE GHOST BUTTS NOW, JOHN. 

EB: hehe, we can call ourselves the ghost-butt-sters! 

CG: NO. JOHN, NO. 

CG: GOODBYE. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose keeps a supply of movies that she enjoys psychoanalyzing. The wizard of OZ provides very fertile ground!  
> Naturally Karkat enjoyed them non-ironically.


	6. Vertical Angst

===> Karkat: Ascend

Examining the roof of John’s house, there’s no obvious way up. And why would there be, when everyone else can already fly? The irony of being a ghost who is still cripplingly subservient to the forces of gravity, even when inhabiting a world that doesn’t really exist, is not lost on me. I need to find a way to get up there, and the most obvious solution seems to be to swallow my pride and ask for a lift.

The nearest potential human-jetpack is Dirk, who is absently scrolling through photos on his phone. The look on his face is borderline heartbreaking, a mixture of longing, misery and self-loathing. I know it well. Feeling like a jerk, I clear my throat quietly. Flinching, he whips the phone away into his pocket and looks into the space slightly to the right of my face.

“UH, SORRY TO INTERRUPT, DIRK.”

He’s looking at me as if I’m nuts, and I realise he was probably just browsing around on his phone while I was rudely tapping away on mine.

“COULD I ASK FOR A FAVOUR? I KNOW WE JUST MET AND OUR CONVERSATION THUS FAR HAS BEEN AN UNMITIGATED DISASTER, BUT I NEED TO GET UP ONTO THE ROOF TO FIND DAVE. UNLIKE EVERY OTHER ASSHOLE AROUND HERE, I CAN’T FLY. YOU MADE IT TO GOD TIER, RIGHT?”

I suck at asking for help. I remember Dave saying something about the parent-ancestors wearing pyjamas, but that’s hardly a solid foundation to ask for aerial assistance. Thankfully, Dirk seems to share a sense of humour with the other Stri-londes, because he laughs instead of being offended.

“Sure, I can fly you up there. God tier was more of a thing that happened to me than an achievement, but I still get the flying privileges. Do you want a piggy-back, or shall I just hold you around the waist Lois-Lane style?”

Shit, I didn’t think this through. I just asked a dude I only just met, who is genetically my best friend’s “dad”, to pick me up and carry me like a fucking wiggler. I can barely stand to be touched by people I know well, let alone strangers, because a lifetime of hiding your blood colour tends to result in intimacy issues. Both of those positions sound painfully touchy-feely, and the fact that this guy looks an awful lot like Dave suddenly makes it worse. He’s staring at me now, waiting for an answer.

“JUST…WHATEVER IS THE LEAST EMBARASSING. I CAN’T HANDLE ANY MORE HUMILIATION TODAY.”

That gets a smile, so I guess he can sympathise.

“Don’t worry Karkat, it’s fine. This barely registers on the embarrassment scale, trust me.”

He stands, and offers a hand to pull me up. Before I can start fidgeting uncomfortably, waiting for him to initiate physical contact, he turns and crouches down with his ass sticking out towards me. Thoroughly confused, I ask him what the fuck he’s doing.

“Just put your arms around my neck, and put your legs either side of my back. I figured you’d be more comfortable with you touching me than me touching you. You don’t seem like the tactile sort.”

I do as he instructs, stomach tightening with anxiety when he grabs the backs of my knees. The feeling of my bulge rubbing up against his back is front-and-centre in my mind for a painfully intense few seconds. He even smells kind of like Dave.

I forget all about it when he takes off, though, stomach lurching as the ground falls away. My head starts spinning when we seem to swerve out over the cliff edge, and I find myself burying my face deep into his blonde hair and screwing my eyes shut. So much for this being a non-intimate experience.

When I feel his feet hit solid ground, I unclasp my hands and slip down onto the sloping roof. I’m still shaking, leaning up against Dirk’s back. After a few seconds, I can breathe again. Opening my eyes reveals that we’re not close to any edges, so I step sharply away from him and look around for Dave. My search ends when I spot a forlorn bundle of red fabric at the far end of the roof. Dirk gives me a pat on the shoulder and jogs off the edge of the roof. The angst quotient is already sky high up here, so that’s probably for the best. I trudge toward Dave, hoping that he hasn’t been torturing himself over all of this ridiculous bullshit.

Dave is lying on one side, face against the roof tiles and cape pulled up around his mouth and nose. I sit down next to him, resting my hand on his shoulder as gently as I can. He pulls away, curling further into a ball of misery.

“DAVE, IT ISN’T THAT BAD. I PROMISE. PLEASE, JUST TALK TO ME.”

He sniffs, mumbling something into his cape. I pull it slowly away from his face, wishing I could brush the hair out of his eyes without him having a panic attack. Those eyes are hidden as usual, but the rest of his face is worryingly impassive. Blank, expressionless, slack. Dave’s shield is up again, and it’s shocking how much it hurts that he feels he needs to use it on me.

“Karkat, leave me alone. Please. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“NO DAVE. I’M NOT GOING TO LEAVE. YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK TO ME BUT I’M NOT LEAVING YOU ALONE WHEN YOU’RE THIS UPSET. WHAT KIND OF SHITTY FRIEND DO YOU THINK I AM?”

Snuffling, his back turned towards me, Dave quietly tells me to fuck off. I don’t move, and I don’t think he’s expecting me to.

“DAVE. LOOK, I’VE BEEN TALKING TO EVERYONE, AND IT’S FINE. REALLY. JOHN MENTIONED HE MAY HAVE SAID SOME STUPID SHIT TO YOU AND HE ASKED ME TO APOLOGISE TO YOU FOR HIM. I DON’T THINK EGBERT HAS MUCH OF A HANDLE ON GROWN-UP RELATIONSHIPS, IF I’M HONEST.”

Dave’s back shakes quietly under my hand, either with tears or laughter. He silently passes his phone across his back, chat windows open and flashing.

gallowsCalibrator[GC] began trolling turntechGodhead[TG]

GC: H3Y D4V3!

GC: 4LPH4-D4V3 H4S SOM3 SW33T MOV3S >:]

GC: CH3CK 1T OUT

GC: 1 M4D3 4 F1TT1NG TR1BUT3 TO H1S L3G3ND4RY S3DUCT1ON POW3RS

GC: http://tinyurl.com/H4NDSOFFSTR1D3R

GC: D4V3 COM3 B4CK, W3 M1SS YOU

GC: 1’M JUST K1DD1NG 4ROUND S1LLY >:[

gallowsCalibrator[GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead[TG]

I know I’ll regret clicking the stupid link, but I can’t help it. If Terezi’s done something to upset him then I need to know.

Well, regret mode has been thoroughly engaged, but I don’t think this is what’s upset him. Time to find out exactly how badly Egbert has fucked things up.

ectoBiologist[EB] began pestering turntechGodhead[TG]

EB: dave, where’d you go? you should come back to the party!

EB: those videos were pretty funny, right? imagine you and karkat dating!

EB: i mean, i can’t picture him being romantic, he’s always so shouty! and plus he’s a guy so that’s even more ridiculous, huh?

EB: and kind of gross, hehe.

EB: dave? are you ok?

EB: i hope you’re not embarrassed, it was just some dumb joke videos. none of that stuff was real.

EB: dave?

EB: ok, well come back soon. it's not a party without dave strider, after all! 

EB: terezi reckons she can play mario kart by smell alone, so there ought to be at least one person you can beat this time :)

turntechGodhead[TG] became an idle chum

Well, Egbert was right. Not exactly ten out of ten for sensitivity. I still don’t think it was bad enough to make Dave this upset, though. There has to be something else going on here.

“DAVE, I’M REALLY SORRY, BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND. TEREZI’S JUST BEING TEREZI, AND JOHN’S AN IDIOT, BUT THEY DIDN’T MEAN TO UPSET YOU. PLEASE HELP ME TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, DAVE.”

I try to keep the desperation out of my voice, but I can feel it cracking. The pain of seeing him like this is unbearable. When he turns over and grips my waist tightly, forcing his face into my side, I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding. Sitting here with his tears soaking into my shirt, I at least feel like I’m doing something. I will do anything to help him through whatever this is.


	7. Heart of Diamond

===> Karkat: Fix this 

Dave’s holding on to me for dear life, as if I’m the only thing keeping him afloat. His shades are pressing painfully into my side, and I know they’ve got to be doing the same to his face. In this position, with Dave initiating such close contact, I risk touching him. Stroking the back of his neck, running my fingers through the soft, short hairs, seems to calm his sobs. Eventually, Dave’s grip loosens enough that I can see most of his face, and I gently remove his glasses. His eyes are closed, and his impassive expression has morphed into a red mask of pain. 

“DAVE, I… I KNOW YOU’RE UPSET,” shit, I’m shouting like a goddamn megaphone. I can’t seem to get it under control. 

"WHATEVER IT IS… you know you can talk to me about it, don’t you? I CARE about you, STRIDER.” 

Well done, Karkat. You always use his last name when you’re trying to deny your feelings toward him. He sniffs wetly, burying his face in my shirt again. I resolve to wait as long as it’s going to take for him to be ready to talk. 

It feels like the awkward embrace lasts for an eternity, but eventually his arms slip back to his sides, and he sits up carefully. I wait for him to speak, not wanting to shatter his fragile calm. 

“Karkat, I don’t know if I can talk about it, OK? I just feel like everything is fucked now, and there’s no way I can show my face in front of them again.” 

He sighs, pulling his legs up and resting his chin on his knees. Closing himself off from me, from the rest of the world. 

“What do you mean, “Everything is fucked,” Strider? That was some high-grade shame-slurry we had forced down our throats, I admit, but it isn’t the end of the fucking world. Or afterlife, whatever. I mean, those idiots have been asking if we’re OK pretty much non-stop since we left. Egbert is getting seriously worried about you, Dave. I don’t think absconding into the dreamscape is a viable option.” 

At the mention of John’s name, Dave starts shifting and fidgeting. I predicted this had something to do with Egbert and his stunning lack of relationship skills. 

“Dave, I’m not stupid. I know this is related to John and his terminal case of foot-in-mouth disease.” 

For a second, I can tell he’s tempted to blast off into the sky and leave me stranded up here, so I place my hand on his. I’m surprised when he twines his fingers between mine, and holds it tightly. My heart lifts a little, the feeble stirrings of hope fluttering in my chest. 

“Look, it’s complicated, Karkat. John just doesn’t.” He swallows, trying to find the words. I squeeze his hand. 

“He doesn’t understand, OK? We were friends for years, Karkat. Like, best friends. You know my home life was pretty much the worst, I mean, I practically raised myself like a scrappy little orphan foraging on the streets of New York City. Except replace the streets with an apartment filled with edged weapons and sex puppets.” 

I nod, recalling the few brief times Dave has let slip something about his wigglerhood. 

“Talking to John and the others was the only contact I had with people who actually cared about me. And I needed them so much it was embarrassing. But John was sorta different, and eventually it was like he was the only person that mattered. I would literally wait around for hours just to hear from him, and then ignore him like a douche just to convince him I was too cool and busy to talk. It was so dumb, but I just really needed him to like me, to think I was someone who was worth being friends with.” 

He clears his throat again, and I sense he’s getting to the crux of his rambling. 

“I was chatting with him every day, and I wanted to meet him so badly. It took me until the game, when I was like holy shit I might actually get to see Egbert in person, to realise that I had a crush of epic proportions on the stupid adorable dork. On the world’s least homosexual dude. Who just got a face-full of me kissing another guy with my fucking shirt off.” 

Dave is hiding his face behind his knees now, the hand that isn’t gripping mine holding tightly to his opposite shoulder. Egbert’s oblivious comments must have hit him pretty hard, especially his seeming inability to comprehend two males having a romantic relationship. 

“Dave, I’m so sorry. Egbert is a moron. If it makes you feel any better, he remains as clueless about your feelings toward him as he ever did. I gave him an extra special schoolfeed about how other people’s relationships are no-one’s fucking business but their own.” 

I don’t think this is helping. Fuck, I don’t know what to say. 

“Look, growing up on Alternia wasn’t exactly a cake-walk either, Strider. There’s a room full of people downstairs who went through similar shit, in every conceivable quadrant. You already know about the humiliating clusterfuck of a non-relationship I had with Terezi, and every single one of them has a story equally as embarrassing involving one of the other idiots in the room. You really don’t have to be embarrassed. John doesn’t even think you have a stupid crush on me anymore, despite the display we just witnessed, since I managed to get his head around the simple concept of multiple timelines.” 

Dave’s snort of laughter makes me jump, and I realise he’s looking at me. 

“Yeah, that’s the thing. John may actually have been onto something there, for once in his life. That’s kind of the reason I’ve been hiding from both of you. I should’ve probably mentioned the fact that I’ve got it pretty bad for you, Karkat.” 

Wow. I guess we’ve gone from zero to douchebag in under sixty seconds. 

“HA HA, VERY FUCKING FUNNY, STRIDER. I SEE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR IS FEELING BETTER.” 

He laughs again, squeezing my hand and smiling lopsidedly. 

“I’m not messing with you, dude. Seriously. You’re like the nicest guy I’ve ever met, even when you’re yelling at the top of your goddamn lungs. I couldn’t stay in the same room as both people I’ve had unrequited feelings for for fucking forever while borderline pornographic imagery of me making out with one of them is displayed on a giant screen. That shit was embarrassing as hell. There’s nothing like a public outing to make a guy feel special.” 

I can feel my face turning red, the heat rising directly from the pit of my stomach. My think-pan has let me down, as usual, by going completely fucking blank. Dave is sniggering softly at the no-doubt ludicrous expression on my face. 

“Look, I’m sorry to spring this on you, man. I’m not looking for you to suddenly jump on board the Dave-train to boyfriend central. I know you only like me in the pale-bro sense, and that’s fine. We can keep on being bros 4 lyfe, I’m not going to jump you the minute your back is turned.” 

His face drops again, the brittle smile vanishing like the moon behind the clouds. 

“I know I was being kind of a dick about the moirail stuff, and I really, really wanted to be able to do that for you. It was pretty obvious you wanted to snuggle up and eat ice-cream and braid each other’s hair for the last few months there. I just… couldn’t, you know? That much physical contact with you… knowing that you didn’t feel the same way… it would have been fucking unbearable. And then actually seeing it, how things could have maybe been if I’d been fucking brave enough to open my mouth and say something about how I felt, if I hadn’t splashed down so hard into the diamond zone. It was just too much, man.” 

Shit. I didn’t see this coming. I want more than anything to put my arms around him and start shooshing, but that’s probably the least sensitive thing I could possibly do. I mean, I can’t say I haven’t interrogated the feelings I’ve had for Dave over the last three years. Pale has been the most dominant, especially after the business with Terezi and Gamzee ruined Dave’s relationship with her. But can I honestly say I haven’t had any flushed feelings? No thoughts about what it would be like to kiss the guy who's sat so close to me during all of those romantic comedies? Don't fucking lie to yourself, Vantas. You know you have. 

The footage from earlier plays unbidden across my mind, deepening my blush and making me feel even more uncomfortable. Dave’s hands on my chest, mine on his pale skin. The affection in his big red eyes as he stares into mine. The two of them looked so goddamn happy, it made my insides burn with jealousy. Fuck, I wish I hadn’t been watching that shit in front of all of those douchebags. 

“DAVE… I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT. I… UM. THANK YOU?” 

What are you saying?? What kind of ass says “thank you” when their best friend tells them they have a crush on them? Shit, he looks so fucking miserable, fix this right fucking now. The image of Dave’s father-brother browsing through the memories of his former matesprit leaps into focus in my mind, and I’m suddenly terrified that I’m going to end up doing that to him. Hurting him that badly. 

“NO, I MEAN, SHIT. FORGET I SAID THAT. WHAT I MEAN IS, UH… THAT’S REALLY NICE? GOOD, I MEAN. YOU’RE RIGHT ABOUT THE PALE FEELINGS, STRIDER, I’VE BEEN SO PALE FOR YOU IT’S PAINFUL. BUT THERE ARE SOME FLUSHED FEELINGS TOO… OR AT LEAST, WE COULD MAYBE FIND OUT IF THERE ARE? IF YOU WANTED TO? 

I sigh, scratching a horn-bed with the hand that isn’t clasped in a sweaty embrace with Dave’s. Fuck, why can’t I make the words come out the way I want them to? 

“LOOK, YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND, DAVE. I FEEL CLOSER TO YOU THAN I EVER THOUGHT I COULD TO ANYONE, WHAT WITH GROWING UP KNOWING THAT LETTING ANYONE NEAR ME WOULD PROBABLY GET ME THE SHARP END OF A CULLING FORK. I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY WHICH QUADRANT THE FEELINGS ARE IN, BUT WE’VE GOT AN ENTIRE AFTERLIFE TO SORT THAT SHIT OUT. AND WE’RE GOING TO BE FRIENDS WHATEVER HAPPENS. WHY DON’T WE JUST GO ON A HUMAN “DATE” OR SOMETHING? THERE’S GOT TO BE SOMEWHERE LESS EXCRUCIATING TO HANG OUT THAN HERE.” 

He bursts out laughing at that, throwing his head back the way I’ve seen humans in movies do. 

“That is the shoutiest, most awkward way anyone has ever been asked out, dude. Exactly the way I dreamed it’d be. Sure, let’s have a fucking date, we can go get milkshakes at the drive-in ghost-theatre or some shit. I’d love to, man.” 

His smile is genuine this time, wide and goofy in a way his coolkid persona would never allow. It’s freaking adorable. I have to ask him something before my head explodes. 

“DAVE, CAN I HUG YOU PLEASE? I REALLY NEED TO.” 

He nods, laughing. 

Oh thank god. The tension bleeds out of me as I scoot around and kneel down facing him, wrapping my arms around him. I feel his face press up against mine, and this time he rubs my back instead of tapping it. I try not to concentrate on the glorious pale haze washing over my think-pan, instead imagining what it would be like to kiss Dave the way I saw my Alpha-self doing. It’s a still a strange thought, but… exciting. When I finally let him go, I feel his lips brush against my cheek nervously. The fluttery feeling in my chest is definitely new, and it gets even more intense when his blank eyes lock with mine. I realise I’m smiling. 

Stupid Dave, getting me to smile.


	8. Digital Fireworks

===> Karkat: Lean in 

Even though we’re not holding each other anymore, we’re still kneeling facing one another. I can’t seem to stop looking into his eyes, and it's like we’re having some kind of incredibly intense staring contest. Only, instead of being tense, it’s wonderful. Well, it’s still kind of awkward, but Dave’s stupid grin is going a long way toward making me forget the stirrings of pain in my knees. 

I kind of want to lean in closer, only this time not for a kiss on the cheek. Fuck, I’ve gone bright red again. When I angle my body toward him, he does the same, tilting his head slightly to one side. I’m not the master of romantic media for nothing, I know that means he wants to kiss me. It’s time to find out what the warmth coursing through my whole body means. 

Close eyes, bump noses, kiss. 

His lips are soft, warm, and intensely Dave. The feeling of his breath on my skin sends a tingle down my spine, and I realise I’m holding mine. Do I even need to breathe anymore? I want… what do I want? I want this. More of this. His arms slip around my waist, pulling me closer. The nerves in my back are singing as his hands cling to me tentatively. In a moment of supreme romantic ineptitude, I let out all of the air I’m holding through my nose in one loud huff. I break contact with his mouth, resting my nose against his cheek and waiting for my head to stop spinning. 

As kisses go, that one could not have been more different from the intense, passionate, hungry experience we witnessed earlier. To the ones I’ve been watching in my movies since I was 4 sweeps old. Instead of shitty digital fireworks, my mind was mostly absorbed with trying to keep from banging my teeth against his. But, even though it was the act of two teenagers who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, it still managed to overwhelm every single one of my senses with a storm of heat and tingling. 

“Whoa.” he says, voice barely above a whisper. “That just happened.” 

I snort, sitting back on my haunches before they collapse under me. I grab his hand and flash him a quick grin. 

“YEP.” I reply, enjoying the confusion on his face. It’s cruel of me, I know, but he’s not the only one who gets to spring unexpected shit out of nowhere. 

“Uh. What exactly was that, Karkat? I’m not complaining or anything. I. Uh.” 

It’s my turn to laugh now, a rumble in the back of my throat that I’m not sure he’s heard before. 

“DON’T FREAK OUT, STRIDER. I JUST WANTED TO TRY IT, THAT’S ALL. YOU’VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH.” 

I’m downright smirking now, not even trying to stop myself. 

“YOU HAVE TO ROMANCE THE NEXT ONE OUT OF ME, THOUGH. THIS IS AMELIE, NOT FUCKING JUNO.” 

His shock dissolves into relief, hand squeezing mine so hard it hurts. We’re both self-conscious as shit now, but it was worth it. 

“Dude, the chick in Amelie has disappointing sex with a whole bunch of guys in the first ten minutes of the movie. Do I need to give you some alone time with Eridouche and Thollux?” 

I give him a shove for that, equal parts surprised at how much he remembers of the movie, and annoyed at him for being so goddamn quick. How the fuck does he do it, it’s infuriating as hell. 

“SHUT UP, YOU TOOL. IF I WANTED TO BE DISAPPOINTED, YOUR PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A CARCASS IS RIGHT HERE. I’M IN THE DRIVING-SEAT OF YOUR LOVE-LIFE RIGHT NOW, SO DON’T MAKE ME SHOVE YOU OUT ONTO THE FUCKING HIGHWAY WHILE IT’S STILL MOVING. I SWEAR TO GOD, STRIDER, I WILL NOT EVEN SLOW THIS PIECE OF SHIT DOWN.” 

He looks a little regretful, although not as much as I would like. 

“Sorry, man. It’s going to take me a while to suppress the urge to mess with you.” 

“WELL, TRY HARDER, ASSHOLE. ALTHOUGH IT’S PART OF YOUR STUPID CHARM, I GUESS.” 

We’re both grinning like idiots now. I really don’t want to shatter the moment of closeness, with the endorphins doing their happy little umbrella-dances inside my think-pan, but there’s a room full of people we’ll have to deal with squatting in the background of my subconscious. 

“DAVE, WE REALLY SHOULD GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS. I KNOW IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HIDE UP HERE FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY, BUT JOHN’S GOING TO POP AN ANXIETY-ANEURYSM IF WE DON’T LET HIM KNOW EVERYTHING’S OK.” 

He nods, his face blank and his emotions suddenly closed for business again. I hand him his shades, which have been tucked between my knees so they don’t slide down the tiles. I almost want to smack him around the head for putting his armour on again, but I figure he’ll need it to deal with Egbert’s one-man emotional slapstick routine. I break the news that I’ll need a lift down from the roof, briefly contemplating the idea of Dave carrying me in his arms. I’m slightly disappointed when he laughs and points to a set of stairs leading down onto the grass. Fuck, why didn’t I think to do a circuit of the house before asking a strange dude to touch me? 

The stairs are stupidly narrow, so I get my wish to have Dave holding me tightly as we edge down them sideways. He's auto-babbling contentedly, speculating on who would adopt out inter-species lovechild if he had gotten me "teen-pregnant", before deciding it would be Kanaya, and that Eridan would have left her to go and live in a loft-apartment with his guitar collection. I just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. 

I know he can fly, and I trust him not to drop me, but my head is swimming with vertigo. Stupid fear of heights, what the hell do I have left to be afraid of? I mean, I’ve felt pain since I died, but maybe that’s just a memory of what pain feels like? Surely it isn’t compulsory. Either way, I can’t imagine that the think-pan that tortures me every day will allow me to not feel hitting the dirt from thirty feet up. 

The front door seems like the worst place to make a discreet entrance, so we edge around the stupid fucking cliff that John’s house is situated on top of. Well, I edge around. Dave walks maddeningly close to the edge, grinning at me the whole time, and windmilling his arms comically as he pretends to lose his balance. I hold my breath and give him a shove, forcing him to take off into the yawning abyss. His surprise is my prize. The game of ruffling his cool is as old as our friendship, and I am fucking winning it today. 

We can see through the windows that the kitchen is occupied by John and Jade, in addition to the municipal council of Can-Town: The Next Generation. Dave stops dead a few feet from the door, as if he just got to the end of an invisible chain. I take his hand gently, I can’t just leave him out here. When I push the door open with the other one, he follows me inside. 

John’s face lights up when he sees us, and I try not to be offended as Dave whips his hand out of mine at light-speed. We’re both engulfed in a hug that nearly sends us flying back out of the door, Egbert’s arms gripping us tightly. He’s grinning like a loon when he releases us, the smile getting even wider when I grumble loudly. Jade grins at both of us, waving as she heads back into the lounge to give us some space. Her aspect obviously grants her more social skills than Egbert, who is giving a glaringly ill at ease Dave an extra-special Bro-hug. Peeling him off Dave, I remind him that he has some apologising to do. 

“Oh, god, you’re right, Karkat! Dave, I’m so sorry for what I said before. If you like guys then that’s fine, I mean, I don’t mind.” 

For fuck’s sake, Egbert. His face is turning red, so even he can tell he’s making a complete mess of things. Taking a deep breath, John prepares to set sail even further out of his depth. 

“I mean, I know it isn’t any of my business. You’re my friend, and I shouldn’t make you feel bad by forcing you to talk about stuff like that. None of it matters to me anyway, I just want you to know you can talk to me, if you want.” 

He’s staring at his shoes now, fidgeting. 

“I missed you, Dave. Can we just hang out and be pals again?” 

Dave’s laugh is like music to my ears, as he ruffles John’s hair like a puppy’s. Never has a simile been more appropriate. Egbert is so freaking happy right now, I think he might start peeing on the floor. The smile on Dave’s face is real this time, if satisfyingly less wide than the one he gave me earlier. 

“Dude, don’t worry about it. I know you’re cool, John. If you want to shoot the shit about making out with guys, then that’s OK. I can give you some pro-tips if you want. Or we could just go kick Terezi’s ass at Mario Kart instead.” 

Putting his arm around John’s shoulders, Dave smoothly steers him into the living room. As he leaves, he flashes me a smile that does enjoyable things to my blood-pusher. I can hear John complaining as his back recedes: 

“Even with the scarf over her eyes, she keeps winning! I can’t figure out how she’s doing it, and she spends the entire race on Rainbow Road giggling like a maniac. It’s so annoying!” 

I think they’re going to be fine.


	9. Miracles

===> Karkat: Relax 

Relief washes through my veins as I lean against a kitchen counter. The noise from the party is comforting, after the chorus of wolf-whistles as John and Dave walk in, it settles down to conversation and laughter, plus the occasional shout of indignation as someone loses at video games. A gathering like this would have been unthinkable on Alternia, where the castes didn’t mix and it was considered acceptable to murder your friends for making a snarky remark. Glancing through the weird swing-doors into the lounge, I can see Vriska and Terezi snuggled up next to John and Dave. Dave looks relaxed this time, high-fiving Terezi over the top of John’s head whenever she red-shells him. 

The entire troll and human contingent is arrayed around the room, with the exception of Dirk and Gamzee. Dirk’s absence is a little worrying, he didn’t seem to be in a good place when I saw him last. I want to join them all, but I need a minute after riding the emotional rollercoaster continuously for the entirety of my afterlife. On autopilot, I pull out my phone and check trollian. No-one has left me any “come back to the party” messages, but there are a couple of people’s names blinking. Gamzee’s is one of them, but the other is a name I don’t recognise. 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

TT: Hi Karkat. 

TT: This is Dirk, by the way, I got your chumhandle from Sollux. 

TT: The word “chumhandle” may be the most vomit-inducing word I have ever typed. 

TT: I just wanted to let you know I’m going to make like a tree and get the fuck out of party-town. 

TT: It’s been fun but I think I need to check on my other friends, and I get the sense that Dave would rather I left in any case. 

TT: It was nice talking to you, and I’m sorry for what my stupid auto-responder did. 

TT: He seems to have decided to spread his angular digital wings, most likely to start plastering the afterlife-equivalent of the internet with dick-pics and terrible rap music. 

TT: That clean, virgin expanse of digital territory is about to have orifices it didn’t dream existed blown into it by the sheer force of high-concept irony. 

TT: Anyway. I’m going to split. 

TT: I’m gonna find Jake, Roxy and Jane, and apologise for some things. 

TT: I think maybe I didn’t mess things up as badly as I thought. 

TT: If you or Dave want to hang out, let me know. I’d like to meet him properly, and you seem like a nice guy. 

TT: I hope you get your shit straightened out. 

TT: Later, dude. 

CG: HEY DIRK. 

CG: I THINK YOU’VE ALREADY LEFT, BUT THANKS FOR THE HELP EARLIER. 

CG: SHIT HAS WELL AND TRULY BEEN SORTED. 

CG: WE’LL BE IN TOUCH, STRIDER. 

TT: Nice. 

TT: We? 

CG: ME AND DAVE. 

TT: Cool. Are you two an item? 

TT: I got that impression from all the guy-on-guy, but I didn’t want to go prying. 

CG: ANY PRYING AND YOU LOSE THE PRYING OBJECT IN A MIST OF BLOOD AND ENTRAILS. 

CG: BUT, MAYBE. 

CG: HOPEFULLY. 

CG: KEEP THAT UNDER THE STUPID HAT ON YOUR SHIRT, OR I WILL FIND A WAY TO DOUBLE-MURDER YOU. 

TT: Ha ha ha. 

TT: I can see why he likes you. Take care of each other, dude. 

CG: OK, OVERLY CONCERNED GUY I JUST MET. 

CG: I THINK I KNOW HOW TO BE FRIENDS WITH DAVE AFTER THREE FUCKING YEARS. 

TT: No man, that’s not what I meant. 

TT: It’s just different, having a romantic relationship with your best friend. 

TT: It changes things. 

TT: I’m trying to fix things with Jake, but it might never be the same. 

TT: And that pretty much sucks. 

CG: I THINK WE’LL BE FINE, STRIDER. WE’VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME. ALL OF THE TIME. 

CG: YOU AND YOUR JAKE DO AS WELL. 

CG: NOTHING WE DO MEANS SHIT TO THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE, SO WE MIGHT AS WELL MAKE OURSELVES HAPPY. I KNOW I WAS NEVER PARTICULARLY FUCKING HAPPY WHEN I WAS ALIVE. 

TT: I can sympathise. 

TT: My life was pretty much a fucking disaster from start to finish. Although I spent a lot of it looking cool as shit. 

TT: We should have a pity-party about it sometime. I can bring the black, liquid sorrow, and you can bring a bucket of chicken or the troll equivalent. 

CG: THANK YOU FOR THE BORDERLINE PORNOGRAPHIC SUGGESTION, BUT I CAN PAY BACK ANY SHIT THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE WITH FUCKING COMPOUND-INTEREST. 

CG: I’M GOING TO GO DEAL WITH MY ASSHOLE OF A FORMER MOIRAIL NOW, BUT IT’S BEEN NICE MEETING/CHATTING/OVER-SHARING WITH YOU. 

CG: MAY OUR NEXT INTERACTION BE LESS AGONISINGLY, EXCRUCIATIGLY PERSONAL. 

TT: Amen to that. Let’s stick to stoic high-fives and grunting noncommittally until our throats hurt. 

TT: Although you must have some pretty dope vocal chords to maintain the hella loud volume you speak at, so that might well take until the universe implodes. 

CG: BYE, DIRK. 

CG: GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS. 

CG: I DON’T KNOW THEM, BUT I’M BASING THE ASSUMPTION THAT THEY COULDN’T FIND THEIR ASSES WITH TOP-OF-THE-LINE ASS-FINDING EQUIPMENT ON MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE REST OF HUMANITY. 

TT: Thanks man. 

TT: See ya. 

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

He seems like a decent enough guy, although my memory keeps recalling of all of the disturbing crap Dave has accidentally let slip over the years. His bro seems to have been a negligent piece of shit, making me wonder at what the Universe must have thrown at Dirk to turn him into that. 

Gamzee’s name is blinking accusingly up at me from my phone. As much as I want to ignore him, pretend he never existed, and squash the memories of our disaster of a moiraillegience into the darkest, most fetid corners of my mind, I can’t. I can’t just abandon him when he’s this lost in the weeds of his sopor addiction. 

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

TC: HeY My InVeRtIbRoThEr WhErE yOu HaNgIn At. 

TC: I tHoUgHt I dOnE sEeN yOu A wHiLe BaCk BuT tHaT mIgHtVe BeEn AlL uP iN mY tHiNk PaN. 

TC: I bEeN gEtTiN mY rElAx On In ThIs MoThErFuCkIn ChILlHoLe. 

TC: BuT iT AiNt ThE sAmE wItHoUt mY bEsT fRiEnD :0( 

TC: I aInT SeEn AnY mOtHeRfUcKeRs FoR HoUrS mAn. 

CG: GAMZEE, I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIEND. I KNOW YOU DON’T REMEMBER BECAUSE YOU’RE AS HIGH AS THE SMELL COMING FROM YOUR DISGUSTING BODY ON A HOT DAY, BUT YOU’RE THE REASON I’M IN THIS EXCUSE FOR AN AFTERLIFE. 

TC: WhAt YoU sAyIn BrOtHeR. 

TC: wE’rE MoThErFuCkIn DeAd Yo? 

CG: YES, FUCKFACE. WE’RE DEAD. 

CG: YOU FUCKING KILLED HALF OF THE PEOPLE HERE, INCLUDING ME. 

TC: YoU SeRiOuS mAn? 

TC: If We’Re AlL Up In ThE AfTeRlIfE tOgEtHeR, tHaT’s WhAt I cAlL a 

TC: MoThErFuCkIn 

CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE, ASSHOLE 

TC: MiRaClE :0) 

CG: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT GAMZEE, WHY DO I BOTHER INTERACTING WITH YOU? 

CG: YOU NEED TO STOP EATING THAT FUCKING SLIME, I DON’T CARE IF YOU STAB EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS HOUSE UNTIL THEY BARELY HAVE ENOUGH GHOST-MATTER TO REMAIN UPRIGHT. I’D RATHER BE PULVERISED INTO AN ATOM-THICK LAYER ALL OVER JOHN’S CARPET THAN LISTEN TO YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT FUCKING MIRACLES. 

TC: SoRrY bRo 

TC: DiDn’T mEaN tO hArSh OuR mOtHeRfUcKiN rEuNiOn 

CG: UGH. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU. 

TC: bEeN kIcKiN bAcK iN ThIs WiCkEd PlAcE 

TC: iTs AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN mIdNiGhT iN hErE 

CG: YOU’RE IN A DARK ROOM. IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING? 

TC: MaYbE bRo 

TC: mAyBe I’m In ThE PoCkEt Of A mOtHeRfUcKiN gOd 

TC: HoNk ;0) 

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STAY PUT. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] 

Stupid idiot. Sounds like he’s managed to lock himself in a closet. 

Sneaking through the doors to the lounge when everyone’s concentrating on an intense race, I start searching the house for a suitably dumb place for Gamzee to have lodged himself. Eventually, I find him in a downstairs utility-cupboard, investigating the bottles of cleaning products and giggling at the collection of buckets. Before he can start drinking ghost-bleach, I pull him back into the lounge and settle his ass in the corner. I might not be his moirail anymore, but I’m sure as shit not going to let him rust away the remains of his think-pan with dream-sopor. 

The evening progresses enjoyably, with rounds of video games escalating into ill-advised spin-the bottle. Although I complain loudly at the prospect, Dave prods me in the side, grinning. The scandals begin when Vriska gives John a full-on smooch, and continue when Sollux’s spin lands on an incandescent Eridan. When my spin lands on Dave, I lean forward, staring intensely into his eyes. The look on his face when I plant a chaste kiss on his cheek is priceless. It takes the slowest members of the party a full dozen turns to realise that Egbert is subtly using his windy-powers to get it to land wherever he wants. 

Although time has no meaning in this place, after a while it feels like it’s getting late. I don’t feel tired, I don’t think I’ll ever feel tired again. When your waking life is spent in a dream-world, there doesn’t seem much point in sleeping. After all the other trolls have drifted off, save for Gamzee, who John and Jade have agreed to babysit for a while, Dave and I venture out into the cold non-air. The surroundings have shifted, settling on a mixture of an alternian forest and a landscape of snow and ice. At least the fucking cliff is gone. He takes my hand, putting on his favourite smooth expression. 

“Well, Karkat. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” 

“SHUT UP, ASSFACE. WE’VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR SWEEPS.” 

He grins, obviously pleased with himself for making a lame excuse for a human joke. I sigh, and start trudging through the snow. 

“C’mon man, no date of mine is going to freeze their fronds off.” 

He gets behind me and sweeps me up, arms around my waist. Before I can yell my indignation at being picked up, I realise we’re flying. Floating really, a few feet off the floor. He’s holding me tightly, his head nestled against my neck. Flying actually isn’t so bad when heights are out of the equation. 

“SO WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO ON THIS STUPID DATE, THEN?” 

Dave laughs, his breath warm on my ear. 

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck.” 

I groan, loudly, as we slowly ascend into the starlit sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
